Saying Goodbye

I mentioned previously that while both the Army and Superman chose not to send us through a deployment -- for reasons bigger than both of us know -- it would come as no surprise to me that at any minute, the decision, from one end or another, would change.

In fact, I knew that Superman may get the deployment itch once we reached his battalion's sendoff. And that perhaps his commander, and the battalion commander would ask him to come back on.

And I was right.

But it didn't quite end the way I thought it would. At the end of the ceremony, Superman did NOT get on that bus. Instead, we showed our support and said our goodbyes to few great soldiers. We also said goodbye to one of the biggest chapters of our life for now: seperation.

Both of us were not happy, not sad, just nostalgic. Nostalgic because for 2 years, our life revolved around this one day. And in some ways, we now felt like we weren't truly a part of it. Just onlookers, really. I couldn't believe the day unfolded the way it did. I pictured the day differently every day for the past two years.

I asked Superman if he thought he made the right decision on his end by staying. We are taking a big risk both staying and leaving, so only time will tell, he said.  He's right. You're only as good as the risks you take.

I couldn't be more proud of Superman, and I couldn't be more proud of his battalion.

Project 52(12)

Week 12: Hands

They've got the whole war in their hands

Stars Collide

Warning: In one week, Superman and I might get boring with each other.

We've been on crazy highs and lows these past few days. 72 hours ago we were not deploying. 48 hours ago we were deploying. 24 hours ago we're not. Dear NY Stock Exchange, meet Army.

As it stands now, Superman's not going anywhere. Of course, either decision made by us and the Army has had us ridden with anxiety.

Part of me thinks: we've been apart for 5 years, so what's another year? We've planned for this anyway, so just go for it.

Another part of me thinks: there are alot of opportunities to be had here at home this year,  alot of major events that it would great to have him to take part. Stay.

I feel selfish either way, since the grass is always greener. Of course, I did a terrible job not getting emotional about all of this. Just because I married a superhero doesn't mean he married one too. But in the end, it's not what I think -- it's about Superman. I'm proud of any decision that he makes for us.

I know that if we leave the unit's send off on Sunday and he feels the need to hop on a bus and get outta town with them, that's okay by me. But if he wants to catch a break for a while, get that marriage patch, and direct his focus to life on the homefront, I'm okay with that too.

My only job now is to just support whatever Superman decides. Either way, we'll get through.

Going on the intel we have at exactly 8:28a.m. on Tuesday, March 22nd...

In one week the Apple Days may get introduced to the Army Nights. I don't think Manhattan is ready for this.

Project 52 (11)

Week 11: Round

I know it's been a while since I've posted something meaty here! I'll get you all caught up soon, promise.

There's big unexpected news unfolding in the Super household. And it's been sending us on a marriage merry go 'round. We're just hoping for the best here as we try to plan our next step. Please pray for us.

Project 52 (10) Morning

Week 10: Morning 

Some mornings are not good mornings.

Sunday

I promise this blog will not turn into Gatto central. But I just couldn't resist.

That's What He Said

In some ways, I feel like our deployment is coming to an end. Before it ever really started. So let's call it, seperation.

Narrowing down to the end of every period of seperation brings on mixed feelings of anxiety, excitement, stress, fear, happiness... you name it. It's inevitable that I will feel every emotion in the book in these remaining two weeks before Superman comes home.

I never felt anything extraordinary in the thick of our seperations. The middle of a seperation is always well past that jarring feeling of everything to nothing. And in the middle there's no end in sight. So I think as Army wives, we just put the feelings away and just focus on every day. But when the end is near, that's when everything locked away pushes itself out.

But of all the emotions that spouses will endure seperately as they near the end (perhaps one of us might feel excitement, while the other will feel nervous), there's one emotion that ALL spouses will always both feel together.

Exhaustion. 

We are exhausted. In italics.

Exhausted from being in "go" mode ever since we can remember. Exhausted from not finding a "together" place and calling it home. Exhausted from spending more married days apart than together. Exhausted that we talk about friends or coworkers that, until now, our spouse has never met. Exhausted from feeling that any moment will just turn our life upside down again, maybe keep us apart longer. I feel like we're on the last few rotations on the rat wheel, before we can finally hop off and just take a breath.

Superman and I are inherently active people. For the life of me I can't sit through a whole movie. I'm convinced Superman's never had a lazy Sunday in his whole life. But I never really realized it during our time apart how hard we've been working ourselves, and our relationship, and our marriage.

Now I think it's time to force ourselves to let things get easy for a while.

And shoot, it took me 10 grafs to say what Superman said to me in one, complete sentence that resonated so true, that it is ever more appropriate now than just saying I-love-you.

"I want to get boring with you."

Our New Addition

If you read this, you probably already know by now that Superman and I have got (fur)baby fever.

Well, fabulous readers... after months of trying... we're having a kitty!


Gatto, the superkitty!

Superman is picking up our furry bundle of joy on Sunday, and I just can't wait to meet her. And although I've been waiting a good 24 years to be a fur-mama, I've got to say that when Superman called me at work to tell me we're having a kitty, I almost dropped the phone.

I've never been a furmama before, what if I'm a bad one? What if the kitty doesn't like me? What if we don't bond? What if she bites?

I never understood why Manhattanites love their dogs more than their own kids. In the dead of winter, children will run outside without a coat, but the pup has got to be wearing a sweater and snow boots. Manhattan Mama's get mad that their babies aren't potty trained yet, but they're more than willing to scoop puppy poop for life. 

But then... as I looked and re-looked, and re-looked again and again at this picture of our soon-to-be Gatto, I thought...

Shoot. 

I get it.

If she ever dies I will just be inconsolable. I love her too much already!

I know. I'm totally over-thinking this.

So over-thinking this, in fact, that Superman and I watched Super Nanny on TV tonight (great show!), and we thought about how we need to be the best parents ever to this kitty. We will discipline her because we love her. And we will not give in to her cute face when she jumps on the kitchen counter and sneaks food!

Okay, really though.

I think a kitty will be really healthy for our marriage. We are always running a bajillion miles an hour. Our lives are erratic. We're always apart.

But in a few weeks, we start our commitment to physical togetherness. We'll be stepping on our brakes a bit. I think having this kitty will help us be more physically present, it'll help us work together, and take responsibility for another living being.

This also means Superman may be outnumbered by the number of females in his Super household. I secretly almost bought Gatto a tiara and pink beddy today at the store. Just tryna to make her feel at home. 

Focus

I've been feeling a bit consumed lately. Consumed with my writing class, writing, reading, and work. Since we thought that Superman would be leaving for the year, I planned to completely consume myself with my career. And so far it's been paying off.  I'm so excited about the weeks and months ahead. I'll be accepting my first journalism award, guest lecturing at a university, and attending a whole lot of professional conferences.

Now I'm even more excited because for the first time in a long time Superman will be supporting from near, not afar. I just hope I can balance work with home. Maybe keep our place clean and make the man a good meal once in a while. (yay marriage!)

I just got these bojangling new business cards in the mail today:

That's right people. I'm bringing back business cards. What are your thoughts? Cool? Not so cool?

Project 52 (9) Patterns

Week 9: Patterns



Superman's empty side of the bed

This side has been empty four months too long. I think we're finally going to break this pattern. Ain't nothin better.

Contingency

It is three weeks before Superman was scheduled to deploy.

Was.

Superman is no longer deploying.

One of Superman’s orders did not go through and we found out about this just yesterday.  The Army has sent us on ups, downs and all arounds, but nothing as jolting as this.

We have planned for everything. We sold the bike, rented the house, changed our residency, became beneficiaries, lived apart, quit jobs, and took jobs.

Right now, I don’t know how I feel. In theory I should feel happy. This means that a year from now is just one month away – our long-awaited togetherness ever after. I don’t believe it. No really, I don’t.  I know I definitely have a familiar feeling of anxiety coupled with anticipation and excitement – the exact feeling I felt a few weeks before Superman returned from his first deployment.  

In fact, all I really remember from Superman’s initial phone call was this: “If any couple has been through everything, it’s us. So I have no doubt we’ll get through this. Just like we’ve gotten through everything else.”

For the first time, Superman may be around for my birthday. For the first time, Superman may be around for his own birthday. Superman may see me accept my first journalism award. We may not even have to eat the rest of our wedding cake a few months short of our first anniversary. We may be able to spend our first anniversary together. For our first time. 

But I also have an overwhelming feeling of disappointment. No one was more prepared to handle this year better than we were. Deployment is a state of mind a spouse eases into. It took us two years to settle into this deployment. And it’s not a switch we can turn on and off. Yesterday, today, perhaps even tomorrow, we are in deployment. We projected the future together so far ahead that 2011 seemed like an independent individual endeavor. Now we know it won’t be. 

More than anything, I thought of Superman’s deployment as a job. And in some ways, this feels like getting laid off.  I know there are so many options ahead for us, but I fear that what I should be fearing about a year from now – having to leave the apple, leave my career, leave my life, leave my writing program, leave my friends, give up, give up, give up when I have just taken off the ground – is something I fear now. Even though I know there's more keeping us in the apple than anywhere else. I also fear that even though there’s no deployment, it may not mean that we will actually be together. There has always been some force that, for more than 5 years strong, has kept us apart. So it can’t be this easy. I’m so jaded.

The truth is Superman and I have never been together. Never been married. But we have been apart. We have been deployed. So now, for the first time, we are entering the unknown.

And I’m learning that what’s scarier than enduring a deployment is not enduring one. And not knowing what the future -- which is now thought of as one month from now -- holds for us.

Goodbyes

This morning when Superman left our place, I knew he wouldn't be back for a long time.

This is it.

Three weeks of training, a few days to say hi and bye again, and then D-Day.

I know you're thinking that it's been a long time coming. But between all the must-do's before the big day that has consumed us over the past few months, it never set in for us. But last night, laying in bed, it hit me -- a mix of happy's and sad's.

Sad for all of the obvious reasons. But sad primarily that it'll be a whole year of growing separately.

Happy that we're in the waiting period homestretch. Happy that the faster he leaves, the faster he comes home. Happy that in one year coming home will finally mean togetherness ever after!

But for now, all I wanna do is sneak to another part of town and dunk my head in a huge bowl of hot fudge sundae, followed by a defeated lactose-induced year-long nap.

Because really, what respectful Manhattanite would commit such an atrocity in their own neck of the 'hood?