2012

As I looked back over this year, I realized there was so much physically and emotionally packed into one year. I cannot believe that we have succeeded and failed so much in one year.

This year, you were introduced to Mr. and Mrs. Superman, a half-Bean half-Apple whole-hearted Army couple, who were under the impression that Superman would be shipped off this year – our first year of marriage -- to AFG.  

We were oh so ready. We had a pre-deployment, a whole battle book, and a whole post-deployment plan. We worked our tails off – so hard in fact that I was promoted at work. And Superman was too.

The Army sure had its plans for us. But God's plans were greater. And two weeks before D-day, Superman's orders were reversed. We found ourselves throwing away the battle book and fast forwarding our one year out post-deployment plans to right that second. Next thing you know, we're living together for the first time. 

Talk about adjustment. Talk about loving every minute.

There was more Apple than Army this year. In some ways, that was a huge sigh of relief. We learned the importance of taking risks. The importance of chasing our dreams at any cost. But our accomplishments and successes did come at a cost. We sacrificed.

We celebrated our one-year anniversary knowing that everything we did, we did it together. I couldn't have asked for a better life, love, and business partner.

There's something to be said about unconditional love. I just can't find the words yet.

Superman left on a mini-deployment that seems a total drag now, but I have to trust that it will lead to greater things

We also raised a fur baby, who came out alright.

So goodbye 2011. You were difficult and rewarding. I'm glad Superman was around to hold my hand through. Here's hoping 2012 will be smoother sailing.

The stakes are high

The water's rough

But this love is ours. 

This Time Last Year

I've been noticing lately that this time last year, my life was totally different.

For example, last year, I was training for this:



Please excuse the ridonkulously exhausted face.



Now, my out of shape bum is trying to find the hours in the day to get back the toned arms and kick of endorphin. Forgetting what songs are in my iPod is motivation enough. Not to mention getting pummeled with wedding  invitations...

I'm missing the weekend love affairs with my ipod arm band. I'm missing my weekday self-acknowledgment of my weekend grown healthy tush. My running shoes are missing the dirt of Central Park Saturdays and Sundays. 

Oh weekend warrior, where have you gone!???!!

That's it. I've got to take back my Saturdays and Sundays. Starting next week. Sign me up for something! Anything!

Contingency

It is three weeks before Superman was scheduled to deploy.

Was.

Superman is no longer deploying.

One of Superman’s orders did not go through and we found out about this just yesterday.  The Army has sent us on ups, downs and all arounds, but nothing as jolting as this.

We have planned for everything. We sold the bike, rented the house, changed our residency, became beneficiaries, lived apart, quit jobs, and took jobs.

Right now, I don’t know how I feel. In theory I should feel happy. This means that a year from now is just one month away – our long-awaited togetherness ever after. I don’t believe it. No really, I don’t.  I know I definitely have a familiar feeling of anxiety coupled with anticipation and excitement – the exact feeling I felt a few weeks before Superman returned from his first deployment.  

In fact, all I really remember from Superman’s initial phone call was this: “If any couple has been through everything, it’s us. So I have no doubt we’ll get through this. Just like we’ve gotten through everything else.”

For the first time, Superman may be around for my birthday. For the first time, Superman may be around for his own birthday. Superman may see me accept my first journalism award. We may not even have to eat the rest of our wedding cake a few months short of our first anniversary. We may be able to spend our first anniversary together. For our first time. 

But I also have an overwhelming feeling of disappointment. No one was more prepared to handle this year better than we were. Deployment is a state of mind a spouse eases into. It took us two years to settle into this deployment. And it’s not a switch we can turn on and off. Yesterday, today, perhaps even tomorrow, we are in deployment. We projected the future together so far ahead that 2011 seemed like an independent individual endeavor. Now we know it won’t be. 

More than anything, I thought of Superman’s deployment as a job. And in some ways, this feels like getting laid off.  I know there are so many options ahead for us, but I fear that what I should be fearing about a year from now – having to leave the apple, leave my career, leave my life, leave my writing program, leave my friends, give up, give up, give up when I have just taken off the ground – is something I fear now. Even though I know there's more keeping us in the apple than anywhere else. I also fear that even though there’s no deployment, it may not mean that we will actually be together. There has always been some force that, for more than 5 years strong, has kept us apart. So it can’t be this easy. I’m so jaded.

The truth is Superman and I have never been together. Never been married. But we have been apart. We have been deployed. So now, for the first time, we are entering the unknown.

And I’m learning that what’s scarier than enduring a deployment is not enduring one. And not knowing what the future -- which is now thought of as one month from now -- holds for us.

#11 in 2011

11.   Apply for (and win) a journalism award

DONE AND DONE! ;)

Home Office

My first day of class went... well...

Until last week I never noticed that I've been living in a mental box. I signed up for class and my back-to-school mind thought the best thing to do was grab a lined notebook, a bic pen, and get ready to take notes.

But when I pulled out my classic notebook and pen, fit hit the shan.

My teacher broke the news to me: I've been living in a creative brain drain for the last 10 years of my life if I think that lined paper and a ballpoint pen will help me think any differently than what I think in my 9 to 5.

Her motivational monologue of how reclaiming my creativity can be the difference between literary life or death was the fuel I needed. For the first time in my "writing" life, I bought a gridded notebook and a multicolored pen set in all sizes and tips. She said this would be my prescription to writing-dom.

Then, she said, create a space, and call it yours.

Well, Superman and my dad created the space (because let's get real, lifting and assembling a home office takes superheroes).

And I call it, mine.

#37 in 2011. Create a home office.

Sell The Bike

My 73 in 2011 is full of so many things I want to do while Superman is deployed. But it's also full of things I don't want to do.

Case in point: # 53. Sell The Bike.

Superman's sports bike has been the staple of our entire relationship (well, that and of course the actual feelings we have for each other...).  My bum (and only my bum) has been on the passenger seat of that bike since our first date! I admit in the beginning I was scared of that thing. But over time, I've grown attached.

For five years Superman and the bike were a packaged deal. No amazing superhero army man of my dreams, without the adrenaline rush soar-bum-on-long-rides bike. So it should shock us all to know that Superman was in fact the first to bring up the idea of selling the bike.

And when he brought it up, I cried. And cried. And cried. Tears of sadness.We've had long discussions about selling the bike. But we had to cut the conversations short as terrible breakdowns ensued.

Because giving up the bike evoked grown up married words like, "fiscal responsibility," like  "accidents happen," like "we're not immortal," like " potentially not hurting our baby makers on the rough seats." (Okay the last was not discussed, but it sounds grown up and serious.)

And hearing these words to me meant carefree dating life is over! *Please excuse the following meltdown* BAHHHHHHHH!!!! It was like turning 40 overnight, and forgetting the botox!

But last weekend we did it. Well, he did it. Because I couldn't stand to be in the same location, let alone the same state as we gave our baby away. But before he did, we came to a compromise. Sell the bike now, but get an amazing new one when Superman comes back -- with a new jacket for me, that is blingy and amazing. And for a week following, we'll bring back our "A game" back.
Because a man without a bike doesn't deserve a second date. The End.

Deployment Lifesavers

Now that we're in full blown pre-deployment phase, it's crunch time. And we're feelin it.

Pre-deployment phase can only be described as a fury of strategizing, emergency preparedness, pre-emptive crisis averting, errand running,  list making, and mounds and mounds of paperwork. Not to mention creating a plan A, then a plan B, then a C, then a D, then a then a then a....

And still, the story goes that whatever you don't prepare for, will probably happen. We are well aware.

While this isn't our first deployment overall, it our first married deployment -- and let me tell you, it's a whole different ballpark. I'm also a bit farther away from many of the friends and family that pulled me through the first deployment.

Besides creating personal goals for the year, there's alot of grown up stuff that I'll need to take care of.

So I've pulled together a few resources that have been pre-deployment lifesavers for us so far:

• Military OneSource
• SnowCare for Troops 
• USO
• Voluntary Income Tax Preparation
• USAA
• Our parents (sorry, no link here! They're an "exclusive resource" haha!)

These organizations and programs have certainly eased our mind a bit as we prepare for the big year ahead.

Do you have any resources you've found helpful or you think would be helpful? Please share!

Year In Review

I'm such a fan of lists, it's crazy. I get a crazy high warm tingly feeling of accomplishment when I cross things off. And between you and me... I can neither confirm nor deny that I add things on my to-do list that I've already done... just so I can feel myself cross it off. I'm terrible, I know.

Just check out my 2011 in 2011.

Yesterday The Boston Globe featured a great check-yo-self-before-you-wreck-yo-self piece looking at your own successes/failures in 2010. Here are my answers to the list (love love love!) they wanted readers to fill out:

In 2010, I gained a better half!

I lost that fear of failure I built up and found a new beginning.

I stopped worrying so much about what others thought of me.

I started living the life I dreamed about since I was in 6th grade.  

I was hugely satisfied by the unconditional support I felt from most of my friends and family.

And frustrated by living apart from my (then soon to-be) husband.

I am so embarrassed that I probably cried more last year than at any point in my life.

Once again, I grew stronger in my relationship with Superman.

Once again, I did not stop biting my nails.

The biggest physical difference between me last December and this December is umm... I ran a 5K so maybe that makes me have a healthier bod ???

I loved spending time with my bridesmaids!

Why did I spend even two minutes worrying about haters?

I should have spent more time saying 'thank you.'

I regret buying a graduation gown (don't get me wrong -- I LOVED getting a Masters... but I'll never wear it again. Why couldn't they just let us rent!?)

I will never regret buying our wedding day even though with that money I could have bought a new house.

I worry way too much.

I didn’t relax enough.

Those-that-shall-not-be-named drove me crazy.

Was Lady Gaga crazier than ever last year? Or was it me?

The most relaxing place I went was Belize.

I feel so amazing when I write everything down.

Why did I go to my (then) husband-to-be's bachelor party? (Oh yeah, that's right. I had no choice...)

The best thing I did for someone else was ... really I don't do enough.

The best thing I did for myself was propel my career/getting a degree/get married... all in one year.

The best thing someone did for me was love me.

The one thing I’d like to do again, but do it better, is not be such a stressball on our wedding day.