For many things, I'm struggling to put one foot in front of the other. And for others, I'm just on autopilot. Things are getting done, I'm just not sure how.
But I'm tired. Tired of being a single mother to our fur baby, tired of living my life in a bus from one state to another. Tired of holding the weight of responsibilities on my shoulders while holding two jobs, a few projects, and some resemblance of a life.
It's that (not so) normal mid-deployment feeling of wanting it to just be over because I'm not sure how much longer I can keep it together. But at the same time, not wanting for it to be over because I fear life after. Already I'm feeling the pressure of the next step, especially the parts of life after that I just can't control.
I was an insomniac the first half of a deployment because I miss Superman. I'm an insomniac the second half of a deployment because I'm anxious about life after. What will happen to us? How will we adjust? How much more will I have to give
I wish I had control over the answers.
Deployments -- no better way to describe them than slow when they should be fast and fast when they should be slow.